The Dress

I am so blessed to share that I had two very important people with me when i went to try on wedding dresses. I wish more would have been there but who would have known that I found my dress on the first visit!

Yes, I found my dress, and i am so incredibly excited to get it. It was much more than I had considered, but it's perfect. My mother and one of my sisters came with me. We stopped first in Sacramento at a nice bridal store. Two of my sister's had gotten their dress there so I thought it had to be the place. I went in with one idea and was highly disappointed. It was nothing that I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong, trying on very expensive dresses is fun, but very tiring. We were there for only half an hour, I tried on at least a dozen dresses (or it felt like a dozen) and was told that they didn't have the style I wanted in our price range. So I picked up my things and sulked out of the store.

I was ready to go home. Then my momma came up with the brilliant idea of stopping by David's Bridal closer to home. You don't need an appointment there and she had the rest of the evening off so why rush home. Great idea Momma!

We got a bite to eat then rushed back to David's Bridal. I tried on a few dresses, without the help of the gal that was supposed to be helping us. Pretty much all she did was put a sticky note on the door of my room and told me she was with another bride as well so she would be in and out. My mom, sister and I raided the racks and racks of dresses. They are all so big and full of static. I was beginning to get overwhelmed. After reaching our limit of dresses, I went and tried some on.

I really only went through about ten there, but the last one, was the dress! I was trying on my first dress for the second time when my mom brought to me another gown. It was similar, she said, to the one we were admiring on a manikin in the front. So after debating really hard on the first dress, I jumped into the last dress, about ready to give up!

I still remember it like it was this afternoon. I walked out of the door and the first thing I see is a reflection of myself! Gasp! It took my breath away for a moment and I got a permanent smile on my face. I do a quick walk (because I'm pretty sure I am not allowed to run in this place) to a pedestal to see what I really look like. I was so excited, I kicked a shoe off of it that a little girl had placed there. I heard her say "AWW" like she was disappointed I took the shoe's place.

Get over it girl, this is my moment!

I think that was the only moment the whole day that I was incredibly selfish.

I couldn't stop smiling! It was perfect!

(keeping this short so I don't bore you to death) I decided with the agreement of my Mother and Sister that this was the dress!

I went through my moments a week later afraid I got the wrong dress! The pictures I had were not very flattering so I began to panic! My Sister calmed me and reassured me that i loved the dress and she loved the dress and that every bride goes through that. I don't get my dress until probably June, so I have a while before I get to see MY dress again, but I am now extremely anxious for that day!

It was not anything that I went in looking for, but it ended up being the most perfect dress I could ever find! The designer is Oleg Cassini and it's perfect! These pictures are actually an ivory dress but I ordered White so it will look a bit different. (and I'm pretty sure my hair won't be in a messy bun nor have guitar pick earrings in my ears)

ENJOY :)

The Proposal

So it is officially known, I am engaged to the most amazing man! Through all of my nagging and frustration for why we were not engaged yet, My Love worked for four months on his big proposal plan. And I am so blessed that he did. And when I finally got to see it, I was most certainly humbled. My lack of patience, I am sure, at times made his progress not so desirable.

I was awakened one morning by a text from my Love to retrieve a letter from atop my car. It was the beginning of two hours of driving up Hwy 80 in search for more clues. It was a scavenger hunt of sorts. I had clues along the way to find the next clue and a map to follow to which direction we were headed.

Halfway through we hiked up to a hidden waterfall that was absolutely beautiful. I am so anxious to go there once the weather is better to truly enjoy the entire falls.

Hanging from a rock off a cliff above the water fall was a chain with a key attached to the bottom of it. A ribbon was attached to the note at the top of the hill so I took the key off and placed it around my neck.

At the end we came to Emerald Pool. We had been there before but in the evening and when it was covered with snow. It was absolutely gorgeous. We walked the trail toward the pool when I spotted a treasure chest! I was amazing. ( I understand I keep using the word amazing but there is no other way to describe this. You too will agree once you see the pictures)

We walked to the chest and I felt speechless. I was on the verge of tears, beginning to feel guilty for all the times I had questioned the time it was taking to make this.

Now keep in mind I had seen but a sketch he had made in the fall, and when he talked about it being connected to a surprise, I assumed it was a small box. This was no small or ordinary box.

I use my new key to unlock the chest and once I see the inside I begin to cry. I can't stop either. He had lined the inside of it with white satin and the inside lid had a burned and stained picture in the wood. It is more beautiful than words can ever express.

He got down on both knees and told me of how excited he was to be with his best friend. How much he loved me and was anxious for what God had planned for us. And of course, he asked me to marry him!

YES!!!

His friend, Tim, was hiding behind rocks recording the entire thing! I am so blessed by such a wonderful friend and soon to be husband.

Enjoy looking at the beauty of pure love!

And so it begins

I am overwhelmed. I am overwhelmed and filled with joy. I am engaged, working hard, planning a life with my best friend and setting goals for myself that I never would have considered on my own. Today is a new day!
I've sat here at my computer at separate occasions throughout the years contemplating whether I should begin a blog. I do not have the gift of speaking or writing anything that makes any sense. One of my sisters has two blogs and she writes from her heart; beautifully. Another has one blog and writes from her soul, full of creativity. I just want a blog to look back on and see the route God has taken me on this year. Tonight was the night I have made the decision! I sat crying on my bed talking with my fiance', during the few minutes he had to stop by, about how everything seems to be going wrong with our wedding. Yes, the one that is still eleven months away! Yes, I do know that is crazy. I need organization. I need something to look back at daily or monthly and see where God has lead us. This is where that is. I don't know if anything I write even makes sense and I truly don't expect anyone to ever read it, but it's here. And it's worth it for me.
Before I get ahead of myself, let me back up a few years, and make this part quick.
I have not lived a Christ-like life for some time. I grew up in a Christian home that was powered by our "prayer warrior" mother. After high school, we moved out of our little town and met a boy. A boy who I thought was the shiz! (yes I did just say shiz) He pulled me away from my Heavenly Father before I could even blink. He showed me the world, and it was enticing.

After him came the heart filled fling. The one who had a secret life that I figured out on my own but we never spoke of. But when we were together he made me feel like the only person in the world who mattered. He was kind, helpful, caring....that was until the baby came. Then he realized he had to grow up. No, not my baby, I'm still without children (Praise God). But this was the child from his "non-wife/girlfriend/roommate?". After getting him to fess up and realizing what he was doing was wrong and that I wasn't going to continue playing along came the neighbor's cousin, the possibly gay and terrible with money, drug dealer.

He had so many problems there wouldn't be enough space for me to explain. He was sneaky, used me, and was a mess himself. I was too kind to him. I took care of him. Gave into his evil life, helped him out. I got sucked into his conniving ways. He became a roommate in MY apartment that I worked for for free!! How that happened I have no idea. My heart was in bits by then. It wasn't even a thought anymore. Our relationship took a whole different turn when our arguments became physical. His choice to choke me was the last straw and I kicked him out that night. Through all of his belongings into large black plastic garbage bags and through them out the front door. Not by my own strength was I able to do that. I see God written all over that one. He always tells me that He will "never leave me nor forsake me", and when it became more than I could bear, He gave me a way out. But I didn't walk out, He carried me out.
You'd think I would have woken up after that mistake. But no, it only got worse. Though I see God's hand of protection on me because of where I am not, while I was in it, I just thought I finally toughened up and stood up for myself. Foolish!
Than came the neighbor. Not the neighbor everyone knows about across the way, but the neighbor below that I've never spoke of. My hands are getting clammy now just thinking about it. By far, THE WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE!!! If there was anything ever that I would change, it would be the short but heartbreaking time with the neighbor downstairs. I completely turned my back from the Lord with him. I took him from someone, and when I was done, I gave him back and she never new. I still get sick thinking about it. Why did I end it? They had a baby. It wasn't the thought that he was married that made me sick, it was the thought of breaking up a home with a child in the picture. It is NOT the child's fault that I was choosing a life of sin! My heart breaks! I know God has forgiven me, but I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive myself.

Then came the neighbor. I confessed to him right away about downstairs. He knew! And that just started everything off wrong. He chose to use my sin to inflict pain on me for as long as he could. He is known as the womanizer! He reeled me in, and boy did he reel me in. Within the first week he was living with me. The next month, he moved everything out and told me to stop digging through our garbage for his things so his "used to be ex-girlfriend?" didn't think he ever lived with me. And did I leave his sorry A** and move on? Nope. I wasn't that smart. I stalked him, watched him, and called him! He loved it. He played along. When he was home, he would come spend time with me for a week. We'd have fun, go out, watch movies. Then he would fight with me on some ridiculous thing and disappear for 4-5 days. Then he would come back again. It became a vicious cycle. That turned into 3 years of serious manipulation and control of my heart. Even when he was around for longer than a week, I would find out he was sleeping at some girl's house for the night. I found a way into his emails and voicemail and hear all about the parties he went to and goodnight voicemail from girls who loved him. I still stuck around. When you're in it, you get sucked in.
When you didn't think I could fall any worse, I found another whole to dig into. He didn't want me. But I pursued because he gave me attention and told me I was beautiful. In a desperate cry to bring him back, I chose a life he wanted for me; to impress his friends, and I became a dancer. For the next six months I put my life on the line ever single night hoping I wasn't killed or raped to get money to spend on the man I thought I loved. I never thought to myself that working nights would give him the freedom to do what he wanted at night. Then he was able to come home to my bed before I got home and live with me for free instead of in his mothers small apartment living room floor.
The pain inside of me is deep, but all of this is behind me. By the grace of God I was never raped and He gave me a way out when things began to get dangerous.
I hurt many people in those five years. Mostly my family. Words will never begin to express my apologies to them. The best part about family though, they love you no matter what. That's how it is with my family anyway. Through it all, then never stopped praying for me. And because of their never ending prayers, I am now able to begin this blog about the life my future husband and I will share with our Lord and Saviour as the leader in our home!
Thank You Mom, Bob, Sydney, Joshua, Chelsea, Alexis, Adam, Chanel, Cameron, Tarissa, Tami, Jason, and many many people in our church for never giving up on me. For fighting for me and fighting with me to bring me back to my Heavenly Father! The One who was right by my side spiritually through every single day and night of my life.
Deuteronomy 31:6
"Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them' for the Lord your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you."